Setting Values-Based Boundaries as a Leader

Several of my clients and acquaintances have found themselves in situations where, after stepping into a new senior leadership role, they realized after just 1–2 weeks that the everyday practice in terms of values, expected and tolerated behaviors was completely different from what they had anticipated, or from what the company itself had communicated.

During the selection process, they had thoroughly explored value-based and cultural questions, asking about everything that mattered to them – what they needed in order to function well, and what they would definitely say no to. Yet once they had actually started working there, it became clear that reality was different.

There were also cases where someone had already been in a role for quite some time, then a CEO or direct manager change occurred, and the new leader brought in a completely different culture, behavior patterns, and value system that the person could not identify with.

In both cases, leaders observed that those who could truly progress, have influence, and move forward in the organization were the ones who adopted behavioral patterns that conflicted with their own values.

At leats at once, in every leader's life comes the time when their values are being tested, violated, or suppressed.  

What happens to the leader in such situations?

The long-term violation of values-based boundaries is not "just" uncomfortable. It has serious consequences.

• Internal tension, constant self-monitoring, a continuous and growing sense of inner discomfort.
• Role conflict and integrity damage: saying something different from what you believe, having to say things differently than you would consider ethical or authentic, or different from what you believe in. 
• Loss of self-alignment, inner arguments with yourself.
• Emotional exhaustion, emotional reactions, cynicism,
• Burnout. 
• Exhaustion, physical symptoms.

What happens to the organization?

When an organization expects behaviors from leaders that are not aligned with its declared values,

• credibility, integrity is damaged,
• hidden resistance increases,
• psychological safety deteriorates,
• leaders play roles instead of leading,
• appointments are not necessarily made based on real competence,
• leaders who display inappropriate behavioral patterns shape the culture and operations, exert their influence, and the people they lead either become like them or leave the organization, with replacements being hired who the leader can work with because their values are similar,
• the culture remains formally attractive, but becomes distorted in daily operation.

This is not an individual problem. This is an organizational risk.

What can a leader do in such a situation – Solution-focused self-reflection questions and suggestions to leaders

❓ What are the 1–2 values or behavioral boundaries that are absolutely key for me and where I cannot make a compromise?

❓ What kind of compromise can I live with, and what is no longer a compromise but self-betrayal?

❓ What is it exactly that is creating tension in me right now, where I need to take a step: a sentence, a type of behaviour, an expectation, a decision that I need to make?

❓ If I don't change anything, what will be the outcome? Why do I need to act now?

❓ What can I articulate assertively now, without attacking or withdrawing?

💡 Tips for leaders and related solution-focused questions

1. Do not trivialize your feelings. Values-based tension is not a weakness, it is a signal.

Values-based tension is not a mood or a bad day. 

If you suppress the signals of your brain, heart, body, they will eventually signal more strongly.

Questions you can ask yourself:

❓ When does this feeling become strongest?

❓ Which concrete situations, sentences, or expectations is it connected to?

❓ Which of my values is/are being violated exactly?

2. Do not decide immediately. First understand precisely what the expectation is, and what triggers resistance in you.

Not every uncomfortable expectation is toxic, and not every business reality or demand is acceptable.

Sometimes the picture clears up and it turns out there is room to maneuver, a misunderstanding occurred, or there is a path that is still acceptable. And sometimes it becomes clear that there isn't.

Questions you can ask yourself:

❓ What does what they expect from me actually mean in practice? What exactly are they asking me to do?

❓ Is this a one-off situation or a recurring pattern?

❓ Which part bothers me the most and why?

❓ Where could I respond differently without giving myself up?

❓ Where is the point I no longer want to cross?

3. Do not think alone. Coaching and mentoring can help you see more clearly.

When you are inside such a situation, your thinking can narrow. This is natural.

In an external, safe space

• you can articulate dilemmas without judgment,
• separate fear from facts,
• and explore the real options.

In coaching or mentoring, it often becomes clear:

• what you have already given up without noticing,
• what you are clinging to too tightly out of fear,
• and what is actually a choice.

4. Practice boundary communication. Not as an ultimatum, but as establishing frameworks.

Boundary communication is not a fight, not a threat, not an ultimatum, but self-aligned framing.

For example:

"I cannot represent this in this form, but I believe .................would be a good solution to achieve the same impact."

"The result is important to me, but  it is equally important for me how we accomplish it, which is why I do things the way I do."

This makes your boundaries, your intention to cooperate, and your leadership integrity visible at the same time.

The reactions tell you a lot.

• Is there space for dialogue?
• Is there respect?
• Is there a real leadership culture?

If there isn't, that is also an answer.

5. Accept if the answer is that this is not your environment, not your culture. This is not failure, but self-protection.

This is one of the hardest points. When someone realizes that, at that level or even across the organization as a whole, the real way the organization operates, the expected communication, or power patterns consistently conflict with their own values, the first reaction is often self-blame.

• "Maybe I'm too sensitive."
• "I'll get used to it."
• "This is just how things work at this level."

In reality, however, this is not adaptation but slow self-abandonment.

When it becomes clear that

• the expected behavior causes long-term inner conflict,
• there is no real space for dialogue,
• there is no openness to reviewing (leadership) ways of working,
• you have no influence on the system,
• and you do not fit into this organization and need something else,

be careful not to adapt through self-sacrifice, endure it long term, or reshape yourself to fit a way of working that is alien to you.

In such cases, leaving or moving on is mature boundary setting and self-protection in order to preserve your mental health, credibility, integrity, self-confidence, and self-alignment.

Questions you can ask yourself:

❓ If this stayed the same for 1-2 years, what kind of person and leader would I become?

❓ What does this situation teach me about the kind of environment I do  and do not want to lead in, what kind of leader I am and want to be?

If there is no chance for organizational-level change, this is the hardest realization and yet it can be liberating.

At this point, the question is no longer how to endure it, but:

❓ How do I close this situation with dignity?

❓ What do I take with me as learning?

❓ In what kind of environment do I want to lead next?

What the organization can do – Solution-focused questions for organizations

❓What messages do our successful leadership examples convey?

❓ Do we truly reward in practice what we communicate as values?

❓ Do we have leadership role models who are both high-performing and value-driven or are these two separate categories in our organization?

❓ What behaviors do we promote leaders for, and which expectations remain unspoken?

❓ When was the last time we spoke openly about where business pressure and values come into tension? How can we talk more openly about these issues?

❓ Is there space for a leader to say: this is difficult for me from a values perspective, or this does not align with the values the organization communicates? How safe is it in our organization to say no upwards? What can we do to take one step forward to make it safer?

❓ How do we handle situations where a leader cannot or does not want to adopt certain operating patterns? As a development topic, or as a loyalty issue? How can we make it more of a learning path?

💡 Tips for organizations

True leadership strength is often not shown in how long we can adapt, but in where and how we can remain ourselves, even when the stakes are high.

Setting values-based boundaries does not mean rebellion or being anti-career. It means not losing yourself along the way.

This matters not only to individuals, but in the long run to organizations as well. Because real leadership quality begins where not only the result matters, but also the human being who achieves it.